She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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