I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
