two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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