This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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