When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
