My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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