Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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