I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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