I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
