Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
