I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
