She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
