i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
