I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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