my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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