That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
