The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
