I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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