I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
