i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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