Michael Bay diarrhea
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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