tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
