The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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