I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
