i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
