somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What a dumb baby whore.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
