Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
