I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
