trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Say something about gay babies.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
