this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
