Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
