The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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