Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
