Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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