Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
