i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
