I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
