Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
