You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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