Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
