you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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