I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
babies were throwing up all over the place
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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