you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
