I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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