My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
