I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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