when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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