so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
