he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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