If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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