So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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