I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
