This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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