Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
